Fifty Shades of Little Miss Muffet

[changeling67]

Since we have no writing prompts from Writers Block, I'll provide one here. Rewrite a nursery rhyme in the style of a famous writer, or writing style. (Humpty Dumpty as written by Shakespeare, or Jack and Jill went up the hill rewritten as a true crime story, for example.)

OK....

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Reading 'Fifty Shades of Grey'
'Oh My!' said the spider
As he sat down beside her
'Please put the spank paddle away!!!'

(Will consider this challenge properly when I have five minutes).