changeling67 | Entries tagged with the black dog

I don't know what is wrong with me. I just don't have the impetus anymore. It is like I submitted my diss and now I don't care. I have written a bit on my last satire essay - but it is mostly bound with quotes rather than an actually argument. Thing is - I'm done. Done with the course, education etc. I have been locked away for so long, it is literally a culture shock each time I go out further than 3 miles. It's spring. I've seen precious little of it. I am surprised to see leaves, rain, shadows - like WTF? Yet I don't to bow out with possibly the crappiest mark ever. That's not good or me or my lecturer (who is a great lady and an absolute hoot).

I just have no drive and instead of stepping up to the challenge and finishing like a pro - I am dragging my heels, cussing all the way and just want to crawl across the line and f**k the results. I need a good kick up the arse. I would be most embarrassed to get such a frighteningly low score. So I am going to offload onto dictaphone, give myself a bit of a kicking and get back to working it out properly.

Crossposts: http://calico-pye.livejournal.com/1564468.html

Despite being up early on two consecutive days, I have been moaning and dragging my ass on this. It's because it's not only this I have to submit as a super-draft: there is the PP (both paper and hard copy form); the intro (which I can't remember how long it is meant to be, but I suspect it is 500 words over what it is meant to be) and my 'Tranferable Skills' essay (not sure just how long that is meant to be either, but have gutted out a skeleton version). Plus, it has to be emailed to lecturer two days before I have an audience with him, then the lot (bar PP) redrafted and resubmitted (with PP) paper hand in before Midday 14th December - I am handing it in before this, as I have an important lunch to attend that day.

I think most of this problem is that I have been doing this path from scratch for four and a half years now. I want to look at programmes and not feel guilty that I am NOT (at that moment) agonising over 200 words that I should be adjusting. I want to cut out snowflakes with the little ones of my extended family. I need to shake off that fear,first felt when I heard of a fellow student who has been done for accidental plagiarism earlier this week. I had been quite OCD about indenting everything and now even more so. Check, check, recheck.

I won't give up - that is not even considered part of the equation, but after this, the only courses I want to go on are extremely short ones! preferably ones that involve art/craft etc.

(Pic is relevant to me at the moment - the only way I can sleep is listening to Stephen Briggs reading any of the 'Discworld' stories on Kindle. I can identify with the turtle, too - plodding away to get there eventually).

I am aware that many of my postings are rather depressing, but it can be difficult to see a way forward sometimes. It doesn't help that the sewer has collapsed in parts all down our road and that we are boxed in the house with a lot of drilling and digging going on from Cornwall Highways - with absolutely no warning as it was an emergency. The noise is fearful, thinks have fell off of shelves and plaster is crumbling. There is NOTHING we can do about it, either.

Re my degree - I have not been aware that suddenly not only do I have to do a PP (nearly finished), but also an annotated bibliography - which is news to me. Once again, I am expected to grab crumbs of info that the rest of the year know about, but the satellite colleges are left in the dark about. There is a lot left to the idea that the third year entrance will suddenly pick up what you are talking about - whan it seems plain that even the current third years have absolutely no idea about this. Think it is part of the portfolio (of which you are marked), but still feels like Plymouth's age old problem of NOT COMMUNICATING WITH IT'S STUDENTS!!!!

Migraine two days on the trot and the road works MAY be moving down the road tomorrow. Rant over - looking down back of sofa for lost mojo.

Today, my fellow class mates graduated with their BA English. I, however, did not. Because of a horrendous year last year (Hubby = cancer; Self - chronic IBS), I had to watch my grades slide; the only way I could get through was to ease up a bit and go part time. It was literally 'a-stitch-in-time' scenario and it did pay off. Yet, I see their faces today, beaming with pride and I feel like crap - especially since I have to go back next week and do the final sixty credits.

Thing is, I didn't see this coming. Don't get me wrong, I am so proud of them. Several of them have had to overcome massive hurdles to get there and it has all paid off. Except, I'm not one of them :-/

It's the train rides home and the impersonalisation of it all that gets to me. Makes me keyed up and it's not helped that I am gonna have to grow some and get back on the horse. I consol myself that I have grafted over the summer in regards to research, so I am not ill-prepared. I STILL don't know what I am going to write about - THAT bothers me. So, yeah. Am a bit in the doldrums. Thing is, I have to push myself forward because it will be ten times worse if i didn't see this through.

8,116 words. My hands ache. I still have 43 pages of writing to decipher. These are annotations and notes alone. Because of the plagiarism checks, it is required that each candidate has not only their 8,000 -10,000 words, but drafts and other stuff.

i. Title Page
ii. Acknowledgements (optional)
iii. Table of contents
iv. Introduction (including details of any abbreviations)
v. Main text
vi. Conclusion
vii. Appendices (if any)
viii. Bibliography
ix. Plagiarism statement (see handbook)
x. All of the revised drafts and additional notes.

I have over done it - very long hours today. I know this because a) I am mute with tiredness b) I can't think straight c) I don't know whether to eat or cry or sleep.

* troubled head *

Hello Darkness, my old friend - seems I'm wide awake again 0_o.

I went to sleep and had a bizarre dream about the Singapore noodles I ate this evening.Woke up abruptly and the ability to settle back down to sleep, is so far, illuding me.

Brain doesn't want to switch off now. It is not helped by the fact it is J's yearly check up with a string of worrying tests to boot. I must admit to feeling rather overwhelmed recently. Not enough space - I need to change that. Go up on the hillside and just unplug from everyone and everything.

We had a wee thunderstorm a few hours ago, which I have caught on film - will upload later. Right now, I have got to wind down and not think of tests, pending assignments or going back to uni.

Or thinking of old and/or absent friends. Really wish I could settle back down to sleep.

The forum has exploded with angry third years, who are seriously pissed at having to totally relearn how to write an essay, from scratch. As quote 'they have a new way of marking things now'. Let me tell you, this is a shit time to switch tactics on your marking strategem. Last module of the last year. This does not bode well for Thursdays hand in.

I've checked my email and am relieved that albeit lower than last years grade, it is still a just-about-ok grade. TBH, it really doesn't matter what others get, just as long as you tick on ok. This time last year, I would've baulked at the marks - but seeing the year I have just had, I amazed that I am still going, still stoically chipping away. Whilst still having a compromised digestive system etc. Stuck on Dante's Ninth Train Hell, which just HAS to be the 10:55 to Plymouth, in the freezing cold. Hanging around forever, terrible food, extreme fatigue. Sometimes I just need a medal for fricken' showing up! For I would prefer to finish this sucker in 14 months time and accomplished the full 360, rather than get stuck at the FdA level.

The degree might be grubby, dog-eared even, but at least it will be mine - that I have earnt it off my own back and have finally reclaimed what I was cheated out of all those years ago.

Sometimes, you have to settle for the outcome. Trip was impossible, but the destination is still the same.

Hello Darkness, my old friend. Seems I'm wide awake again. My mind feels like I have left all the tabs open and keeps flicking backwards and forward, like some kind of scanning machine. Barcode brain.

I performed one of my pieces of written work at the Arts Centre. It was a good session, actually.Rapping guys called Hedluv and Passman were hilarious amd the narrator chap was good too. I have been filmed doing mine, so I will have to hunt it down.

To tell you the truth, my stomach is in knots. I feel very walled off from people. I feel like a shook bottle of pop - one twist of my head and everything would just gush out, like a sticky, angry volcanic mess. Maybe I should walk to the beach and scream at the sea.Would it understand, though - or laugh and throw stones back?

I am toying with the idea of getting a stop film animation kit in the new year. Also, a small camcorder. I want to write things and see it come to life, rather than imprison it on paper and lock it in a drawer.I also want a 'hapi drum' (santa take note).

Seriously, though - I think most of this is borne out of being fed up writimg in depth re crap I don't care about. I need to craft something rather than create merry hell on the phone, because Student Finance have mucked up my allowance. Or trying to qualify how Humbert's a perv in 'Lolita'.

I will have to get some shuteye. Apparently, our harshest critic shed a tear when she heard our monologues tonight. We must be doing something right. And this is what I miss.

Kindreds :-)

Yesterday was a bit catastrophic - P1 was skimming over some plaster board in the loo, tapped a pipe thus creating a new water feature in our old water closet. After drowning briefly, we had to turn the water of until Superplumber arrived at 9pm to fix the problem.

Because of the problems with water pressure, Hubby turned the aga down. The thermal couple wire broke and now we have a dead aga and no hot water. Plus, we don't own a microwave, a wok or a slow cooker. Basically, all we have re food heating appliances is a toaster and a kettle. No reply from our regular gas guy either.

Thankfully, we still have heating.

Today, I am annotating some of Lolita to add to my PP. Tomorrow, some friends are laying on a light lunch for us. Must bring spirit/body/soul/assignment marks out of the gutter.

Absolutely raving - 58% in my Modernism essay. Thinks that I should have had more academic references - fair shout, but too simplistic and then too complicated? WTF??? I had 1,500!!!!! - that is the academic equivalent of sod all. if I had 2,000 words, I would have channelled the fucking thing from good old TSE himself. Even more importantly, I would have gone to France !!!!!!

Just....don't talk to me.

Over the past 4 years, I have put an emotional brick wall up. I hadn't realised it until comparatively recently, but it is there. I think it's because I have had to be very single minded with what I do for my BA. Plus, the past 2 years have been an absolute rollercoaster ride. I think Hubby's illness earlier this year just cemented the lot in. It is there for a reason - to protect myself and just keep soldiering on. Right now, I cannot afford for the wall to be 'down' - it serves me.

It saves me...

Crabby. Can't sleep, been couped up all day, my limbs ache. Serious problems re tendons. I have insomnia again. Worked up and worried that either my body will give in, or that myhead will crack and my brain will fall out.

Not a good time to have a restless night. Humbug.

It is 10:30 and I am in bed, with dread gnawing at the back of my mind. I'm really not getting to grips with Postmodernism. Or, rather I can understand it in art, architecture and just about every other medium, bar literature and communication, especially re media and the internet. Thankfully, I qualify for the extenuating circumstances form, but I have to resign myself to getting a low mark. AND I have to do my ILS/IAS work.

I am both exasperated and bloody exhausted with a time limit running on it. Nothing is falling into place as yet and my very real fear is that it won't ever get a grasp of it before the deadline. Plus, I still have to get to grips with the PoMo jargon etc.

I got 'The Fear.'

I can't sleep - I will be dropping Hubby off for his operatation in 7 hours time. It has been cancelled twice already, so in some respects, we'll be glad when it is done. I have 30 days until final submission. I have to prep the extenuating circumstance forms yet really it is the last thing on my mind.

We just want things over and done with. He can convaless, I can keep watch AND finish off my work. I am spinning so many plates here, I should be in the ****ing circus.

Excuse the parlez, just would like things to be a little more plain sailing for a change.

Dear Friends. I will not be on LJ as much for a number of reasons, but mostly because tests came back for Hubby today and now the future is unsure. Until we know more (about a fortnight from now - bloody bloody Xmas Eve), I will set up the scheduler re 50 Day Meme, but right now I want concentrate on stuff close to home. Thank you.

Can't concentrate therefore not working. Hubby's exam is on Tuesday and his minor obs is on Wednesday. Tomorrow is his last day re revising and a normal diet. He has to drink sachets of strange stuff eat a very odd diet - one without fibre basically. Fruit, veg, wholemeal, rice, red meat, Ryvita (or any form of crispbread), jam or jelly and oats are all on the no-no list. It leaves Cornflakes/Rice Krispies, egg, white bread, white meat and see-through soup. Basically, he can eat at McDonalds - not an altogether nice thing to do. Can't even eat hummus.

I have a couple of social obligations tomorrow, so that's another day up the swanny. I yearn for just normal living, which is proving to be quite difficult at the moment.

It stings a bit, but I have to rethink how I am going to plan out my assignments. I have told my lecturer that there are some aspects of my personal life, is starting to seriously impact upon my academic life. Hubby has an exam and an outpatients oppointment, and the tension is thick in my house. Too much worry all round. Lecturer says that I can email the other two lecturers, to sort out other aspects of work and take next week off, so no college til next year. Woohoo. I can crack on with study at home.

Some of the dates re rough drafts have changed a bit and the Dickens/Gaskell title has been amended, so I can write predominantly about Hard Times and use North & South as a secondary text. So, some of the pressure is off. I expressed my concerns re not maintaining a first - mostly down to stamina. This is where wisdom trumps intellect - time out. I also need time to rethink how to write a better, more concise essay. More importantly, I look forward to diving into the depths of sleep which has defied me later.

I'm A-wake A-gain. Hubby has his appointment with the consultant later on today. They will tell him how long he has to wait for a procedure and/or further tests. I have a PP to do in less than 9 hours - it is worth 20% of my entire module mark. I could ask for another day, but it will be a yoke around my neck. I have to write this sucker too: explain the timeline between Perrault's 'Le Barbe Bleu' to Winterson's 'Oranges' via Brothers Grimm; Sheridan le Fanu; Charles Dickens; Charlotte Bronte; Robert Browning x 2; Jean Rhys; Angela Carter and to finish, Bill Willingham/DC Comics.

Mini Diss - frickin' epic more like.

But here I am at twenty to two in the morning, burning my eyeballs out, courtesy of my SmartPhone. I think we just want results, medications/procedures prescribed/performed so we can get on with life. We are both trying to finish our higher education, both trying to complete the tasks that should've been cleared years ago and then say "We did it! Yay! Against the odds, we did it!" Rather than scare ourselves half to death with unspeakable fears, born out of waiting too long on what is meant to be the 'Urgent' NHS Waiting List.

Will try to sleep - it is cold outside 6c (44f? Random guess) and the stars are bright with chilly brittleness.

Edit ::: It had gone VERY cold 0c (32f)

Hello Darkness, my old friend - seems I'm wide awake again. In fact, Morpheus, Sandman et al have not troubled me once this night. I lie awake plagued by uncertainty, just wanting things to clear so we can get on with life. Hubby can sleep through the most stressful of times, curled up like a cat - I however, stay awake. Churned up and restless, seeking solace in a SmartPhone in the dead of night.

Sleep, per chance to dream - although not quite in the way that Hamlet meant.

Today has been hard - trying to plan for a mini dissertation that you have already written the abstract for, seems a little strange - I mean, the abstract is more or less the plan anyway. I actually don't know what I am going to write or how I am going to explain it until I actually sit down and do just that. There will quite possibly be a lot of wipe board planning, but that will be en route - can't exactly pencil THAT into the planner.

I am not happy generally at the moment. Hubby isn't so well: after ruling out normal probs at the GP, he now needs a hospital consultation and a procedure to find out if.....well - if there is anything serious going on. This couldn't be happening at a worse time - he is studying for a crucial exam and I am on the onset of a brink of a MASSIVE amount of work heading my way. The problem is both of us cannot skim the surface of a subject and do partially well - we are both deep learners and have to delve into a subject so that we can understand it. If we can't understand something in layman's terms, then we can't deliver it to the examiner in academic terms later. It is as simple as that.

I feel like I am batting way beyond my league again. Hubby doesn't want to talk about it, or rather he does and scares himself half to death - then doesn't want me to talk and be distressed. Bottom line ::: if I am not strong for him, then he can't be strong. It might be something - it might be nothing.We are both scared.

I'm scared....

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Page generated Apr. 23rd, 2025 03:07 pm

Sub Rosa

"All this talk of blood and slaying has put me off my tea"

Entries tagged with the black dog

...Especially Myself

Major Dissertation: Rewriting Chapter 1 - Day 4 (Portfolio Blues)

Vortex

365 Days Til Graduation - Yay :-/

I Don't Know What I'm Writing About

Wide Awake

Change of Mind

Kindreds

Chaos

Rage Against the (Academic) Machine

The Wall

Humbug

PoMoNo Man's Land

Hope & Pray

Absentia

On Pause

Outer Limits

Mettle Fatigue

Just Waiting For The Night To Fall

No Go Zone